___almost 2011___
drinking again. i can't say, "it was only a matter of time", because i really did hope i was done for good, but i also think and hope that maybe i can drink normally. part of me says i can exercise the self control and self-respect of drinking normally, socially; and part of me repeats the AA saying that the alcoholics great obsession is to drink like a normal person, but they will never have that ability.
tomorrow is new years eve, and it's also the day that im moving into studio to live ALL BY MYSELF. this has never happened happed before, ive always lived with other people. since diaryland has always been my only 100% honest place, I'll keep with tradition and be honest: Im excited to to live alone so i can drink alone. its scary and sad, but that's the core of my excitement. i also have not totally given up on myself. though i have been drinking for only a couple months and have already progressed to alarming rates of secret consumption, i am encouraged by the fact that i have abstained from drinking before and during work. this gives me hope.
work is a refuge because my coworkers depend on and respect me, AND THEY ACTUALLY THINK I AM FUNNY. also the people at my church are rad and do not discourage drinking, but rather encourage and obedient and honest relationship with God.
a long road ahead.